Blk 123
Bubblegum Avenue
Singapore 123456
Human Resource Manager
(XXX)
789 Go Green Avenue
Singapore789000
12/2/12
Dear Sir
I write this letter to humbly request for an opportunity to intern with (XXX), at the department of (X). I understand that (XXX) is currently looking for potential employees who have an experience in handing the Geographic Information System (GIS). I believe that my skills and experience in the GIS would help me make positive changes to the environment with (XXX). I have enclosed my resume to provide an overview of my career achievements and qualifications.
I completed my Bachelor in Arts in 2013. I read Geography as a major and Geosciences as a minor. Also being an active member in a NUS society known as the National University of Singapore Student Union Student's Against the Violation of Earth (NUSSU SAVE) has allowed me to make my contributions in events such as 'Climate Action Day'. This event was to encourage the staff and students to reduce their waste. I was in charge of giving presentations regarding this event at various lecture theatres and attracted the attention and gained the support of many students and staff. I have attached my resume that will give you a detailed knowledge about my qualifications and job profile.
Having had developed a compassion and love for the environment since young, has allowed me to play a part in helping to sustain the environment. I have contributed to environmental sustainability by helping my town council to plant seedlings and trees around my neighbourhood.
I look forward to meeting with you and learning more about your objectives of (XXX). I would feel honoured to contribute to the success of (XXX). Please feel free to contact me at +65 9******1 or email me to a0*****0@nus.edu.sg, should you have any queries. Thank you very much.
Yours Sincerely
(Name)
Enclosures:
- Resume
PS: Dear all, I have not added some details for privacy purposes. If you are interested in learning more, i'll tell you more in class or over lunch alright:) I would also like to thank Gladys, Joel and Jian Min for helping me to peer read the first draft for my application letter and resume.
Hey Loshini!
ReplyDeleteI like the structure of your application letter and how short your paragraphs are. Personally, that is already an A+ for appeal - I will be extremely encouraged to read your letter! I also do think that you brought out good examples about yourself that substantiates why you deserve the job.
I do however feel that your sentences are too fragmented. It's like your paragraph has a flow in what you are trying to say, but there is no flow in your writing. Your first paragraph alone has got 4 separate sentences starting with "I". Your 2nd paragraph has got 3 sentences starting with "I". It's like you're using the word "I" as a bullet to list your next point, which is not really good =(
I think there was some overlap in the 1st and 2nd para - the resume! Telling them to refer to it once is sufficient I feel.
There are also grammatical errors in the first sentence of your 3rd paragraph =( Also, this paragraph appears to be just listing down the one point (again, the use of "I").
Lastly, you did not leave a pseudo email or contact number at the last paragraph for your potential employers at xxx to call you back =(
So sorry if I sounded harsh bro >.<
Hey brother:) No worries because I do not think your comments are harsh. In fact there are very constructive and have given me room to improve. Thank you so much for reading my post and commenting critically:)
ReplyDeleteHi Loshini!
ReplyDeleteI have a bit of problem with the 3rd para too. I'd wish you would speak about how helping out with your community has helped you learned. You still have unused word count I believe (:! I think doing so would make the para more complete.
Overall, it felt really concise, which made it an especially pleasant read! I loved how the first para focused on the firm's needs. Thanks Loshini!
Cheers!
Hi Kristyn, thank you so much for your constructive criticism. I have taken note of the mistakes and made some changes. If you have the time, you can comment on my post again. Thanks again:)
ReplyDeleteHi Loshini,
ReplyDeleteI like your clear, concise and corteous cover letter. I think you have inserted all the necessary details without being wordy. However, there are some unimportant sentences which are:
- "This event was to encourage the staff and students to reduce their waste." It is known that the event was about promoting go-green culture.
-"I have attached my resume that will give you a detailed knowledge about my qualifications and job profile." because you have already list the enclosures.
I would also suggest you to quantify the number of students and staffs in "attracted the attention and gained the support of many students and staff" because "many" could be relative.
That's all from me. Hope it helps :)
thanks Mercia:)
DeleteHi Loshini!
ReplyDeleteI like that your application letter is concise and humble:)
Just a small issue, you mentioned that you attached your resume twice, which I think is unnecessary. Perhaps mentioning it once in the introduction would suffice. Also, I don't think there should be a comma after your email address.
For the example on contributing to environmental sustainability, I personally didn't feel that it is a strong enough point. Perhaps you may want to elaborate on the experience and your reflections on the event. It would be helpful to link your experiences back to the job requirements too, like how being a good presenter can help you in that job.
thanks Eileen:)
DeleteHi Loshini!
ReplyDeleteI see my name in your blog post!!!! *excited* hahaha thank you for editing my first draft too (:
Okay, back to your application letter. I like how concise you are. I've seen how your resume is like, and it surprises me that you could cover everything you have in your resume in such a concise manner. However, you might want to include more "colorful" words like how you did in your resume?
And I agree with the rest who said that paragraph 3 may seemed a little insignificant. Perhaps you like to elaborate on the purpose of doing it, or what you've learn from it.
I hope this helps! (: but this is a good application letter overall! (:
Thanks gladys:)
DeleteHi Loshini! I agree with Titus that the short length of your letter is very appealing. However, i think you can impress your employer further by demonstrating how well you know the GIS system? maybe a short description on the type of analysis you did using GIS? Also, maybe you can make a clear link your present engagements with SAVE to your desire to make positive change to the environment? See you in class ;)
ReplyDeletethanks min:)
DeleteHi Loshini! :D Your letter is really short! Not a bad thing though! However, I thought you may like to link how each of the activities you did will help you do well in the job you are applying at. :) You might also like to add in some qualities of yourself that will make you a suitable candidate for the job. :)
ReplyDeleteSee you tomorrow!! :D
thanks Jacky:)
Delete